


lethe

by keijitrash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Post-breakup, Song Lyrics, band au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25561627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keijitrash/pseuds/keijitrash
Summary: that night when you think you've forgotten all about him, only to have everything crash down like a landslide because he's right there with his eyes fixed only on you.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 154





	lethe

**Author's Note:**

> Written in collaboration with [uri](https://twitter.com/fiorrette) on Twitter!!

Neon lights flash overhead while a thin layer of smoke filled the room. The place reeks of sweat and alcohol and there are too many people in too little clothing - Sakusa Kiyoomi abhors places like these. He stands, sticking out like a sore thumb, in a crowd of undulating audience, keeping a close watch on his sister who's doing the exact same.

Some nameless band plays on stage as the opening act.

(There was a time when he went to these events without complaint.)

(It was when the name 'Miya Atsumu' was always on his lips; when a small band's lead singer would dedicate each song to the 'guy wearing long sleeves that looks absolutely stunning tonight'.)

(But that's something from a long time ago. No one speaks of it - especially not him.)

Then the beating and strumming and voices suddenly stop. And after a barely-there pause, everyone around him go wild.

A name illuminates on the wall behind the drums - The 9065.

Sakusa wrinkles his nose, frowning despite having half of his face hidden under a face mask. Static rings in his ears and the people's dizzying movements makes his head spin.

He just wants to get this over with.

* * *

"You're up in thirty seconds."

The members of 9065 nod at the prompting of the stage manager. They huddle in a close circle, arms over each other's shoulders.

(There was a time when they did this in a cramped hallway; arms over shoulders and eyes shut close. This isn't so different from before - but now there is a larger crowd once they emerge from backstage.)

(One that's waiting for them with bated breath and electric excitement.)

(Beyond the curtains, there are more people than the fingers on their hands combined.)

"Atsumu," their keyboardist's cool voice breaks the silence, "there's no do-overs if you make a mistake on this one."

All of them chuckle at his words. Atsumu - the vocalist in question - scratches the nape of his neck.

Sheepishly, he says: "Jeez Kita-san, no need to pressure me like that. I haven't made a single slip since we formed our band."

Rolling his eyes, their bassist - Suna - interjects.

"As if," he scoffs, "you were probably just too drunk on all the cups of beer you asked to be put on stage to remember."

"Shame," Atsumu's brother and band's drummer says. "I'd pay for you to remember all the embarrassing shit you did when we hadn't made it big yet."

They all laugh good-naturedly over teasing their bandmate. This is how they cope with the nervousness - and it works like a charm every time. As they like to say: there's nothing better than embarrassing the hell out of Miya Atsumu before and after a concert.

"Kita-san enter the stage in three, two, one."

One by one, they leave backstage until only Atsumu is left. The blond peeks through the curtain; at the huge crowd gathered just to watch them perform.

(He'd always strutted on the stage with confidence in the past. All that mattered then was if the person he dedicated his songs to liked the show - but it's different now, and he has to remind himself each time.)

(That person is gone.)

(Replaced by million other people who might've given everything to see them live.)

Tilting his chin up, Atsumu steps out with a million watt smile, raising a clenched fist up with a flourish. They all go silent at his signal, and his heart beats faster in his chest knowing this.

Atsumu stands in the center - under blinding spotlights and the deafening hush of the crowd. Just like that, he holds both the microphone and the world in his hands.

(There was an order - starting from this song and ending with that. But there are times when spontaneity is fine too.)

(For instance, when Atsumu sees a familiar face in the crowd, the lyrics that come out of his mouth aren't what they agreed upon - but they follow his lead anyway.)

* * *

**_I don't want a friend  
I want my life in two  
Waiting to get there  
Waiting for you_ **

* * *

Sakusa forgets how to breathe.

It's as if time decided to stop just for him and the man whose warm, amber eyes meets his own mid-song.

His heart aches - it twists painfully in his chest like it's being wrung dry. He doesn't even know how to describe it, but he 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴. He feels, and it 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴.

(Guilt eats him away - consuming him from inside out.)

(He can sense the pain in every word of the lyrics, and he knows that it's just right for him to feel like this.)

(He deserves it, he thinks.)

* * *

**_Give me reasons we should be complete_ **

He puts more emotion to the song than necessary.

Atsumu hopes no one will notice. Hopes that none of his bandmates can see the person who he's locked gazes with. Prays that he isn't imagining things and that Sakusa Kiyoomi is actually part of their crowd in a godforsaken cardigan and face mask.

**_You should be with him, I can't compete_ **

He hates the memories that come along with him.

With Sakusa.

Atsumu hates the sudden vulnerability; as if every person in this room could see the cracks in his heart and all over his body. Ugly and irreparable.

Maybe they could also see the invisible markings that read 'not enough' if they all tried.

**_You looked at me like I was someone else_ **

He watches Sakusa pull down his mask to mouth the words _I’m sorry_ as if it'll change a thing. _He feels it too, doesn’t he? Good._ Because Atsumu doesn't want to be the only one between them who's recalling their past. He can't be the only one tortured by words repeating in his head on loop.

He can't be the only one feeling shit from this coincidental meeting.

Strange how fate works, he thinks bitterly.

(This song is dedicated to the man in the cream colored cardigan, he says in his mind as the lyrics continue to flow from his lips, how are you doing?)

(Better?)

(Happier?)

**_Used to be the one_ **

**_To hold you when you fall_ **

(Selfishly, he wishes - I hope not.)

* * *

There was a time when Sakusa listened to love songs; a time when he would hum their tunes while the person who composed them was asleep in bed. He used to believe that he could live like that every day.

But the reality was this - there was no telling what their futures would hold. No way of knowing if they would be stable after a few more years. And that scared him.

He'd been willing to take the risk then.

For three years, he'd done so.

But uncertainty and doubt and fear might've gotten the upper hand the day he broke things off with Atsumu.

(Now look at where he is now.)

Standing on stage in front of millions of people while he is nothing but a part of that crowd. Sakusa thinks - _good for him._

With his mask still down and the song nearing its end, he smiles.

It's the same one reserved only for Atsumu Miya, who would dedicate each song for him with love.

Mixed in between is an apology and regret and pain - but still he's happy for his success.

.

.

.

.

.

Atsumu returns his smile. Faintly.

His eyes show more emotion than the slight upturn of his lips, and Sakusa knows he's the only one who can understand.

His next words aren't one out of love.

"That song was for the guy wearing a face mask and a cream colored cardigan."

But Sakusa takes it either way.

**Author's Note:**

> song - [slow dancing in the dark by joji](https://open.spotify.com/track/0UyljEbX9dqI1K0sqdv6B6)
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this! feel free to leave an r&r if it isn't too tedious for you c: come visit me on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/wyannyin) too if you feel like it!


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